It hit me today, how I am quite much living the life I wanted at some point. Four years back, I started dreaming about a new life in which I would be a responsible, independent, and busy psychology student pursuing all the extra-curriculars she wanted. I wanted to have a life where I’d be working day and night for my passions. I never imagined this life in detail, just knew that it would be hard but peaceful. And presently, I sort of have that. While writing another research paper, it hit me how this is what I wanted to do at some point in life. I am going to so many places these days because of dance competitions, I am working through nights to complete my practicals and assignments, I know people in various book communities to hang with, and I am balancing between house chores, studies, work, and dance. While I am not excelling at everything like fictional people do, I am liking this life. It gets tiring and irritating way too often, but at the end I am reminded that I got through my past life dreaming about going through this life. And now I am dreaming of a more fulfilling life where I will be focusing on my career as a writer more and hustle for that. I am preparing myself to achieve this goal. I want more.
Song of the day!!
Pick Up The Phone by Henry Moodie. I like how the rhythm in this song gradually picks up and gives a refreshing element to the well-toned vocals.
Yesterday was a worthy day. I learned a lot. My dance crew organised a competition at our fest. Since the past two weeks we were working hard, managing between competing as participants as well as organising our own competition. I was making calls and sending tons of emails. I got exposure to a lot of things,- managing teams, finding stuff in the middle of nowhere, working on chaos, and how our speaker blasted off when we tried to raise the volume🗿. We hosted a dance competition, and our college made sure to ruin it by causing numerous problems with the audios. There were a lot of problems no doubt, one after the other. We prevented multiple mishaps too. I learned how small details go a long way in the smooth proceeding of an event. The participants loved it, and the audience loved it too. I tried to balance between fun and responsibilities as much as I could, interacting with my a lot of my classmates too. It was great. Next day 8:30 a.m. and we are participants again at another competition, that’s how it goes.
Song of the day!!
Symphony by Livingston. This one has a grasping power with its strong vocals and rhythmic drums.
Bloganuary day 17: Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?
Oh this is a good one. I have some character development tea to share. I went out with my friends again today. In the past year, I have gotten quite closer to my friends. The people I called my “friends” two years back, are now really my friends. I called them my home today. There were many moments in the past that made me want to call them my home, I did today. It’s a big step for a person like me. I have started relying on these people, asking for help when needed. being honest with people really helps in forming genuine relationships. I didn’t think this was possible for me. They adore me despite all my craziness and take care of me. And they are aware and respect my boundaries and busy schedule because they are aware of my responsibilities. I have been noticing a lot of moments that made me think that my friends really do love me lately. One such moment today was my friends taking part in another one of my shenanigans in a public place, and took care of me when I slipped thrice and didn’t mind it, rather just laughed and said it’s typical me. They don’t mind my spontaneous, out of the box thoughts and cruelly dark jokes. Rather they match them. We have calm, serious conversations too. We have seen each other grow in the past 3 years, overlooking numerous faults. We now understand each other’s thought process and actions. It’s fun hanging out with them.
Song of the day!!
Boy Bi by Mad Tsai. A song explaining what it means to be a bisexual person with amazing vocal work and mixing.
Now that I have gotten a new beginning in college, I am trying to make the best out of it. I am not one to get close to people easily. I am mostly indulged in my work because the pile just never ends. 4 months in and I can say that I am doing alright. I mean, the workload is a lot. Depression doesn’t just fade away because of change in circumstances. I breakdown a lot too. Then I sit to work and I remember that the 3 years younger me dreamed of this life. She wanted to study this much and work her ass off. I remember that I love this. I am doing better than I expected in the scary domain of socialising too. People know me for my work and my goofiness. I am satisfied with my reputation. I am one to get my work done. And I am one that curses a lot and always has new ways to cause trouble. A lot of times people get shocked by the bullshit I pull, then laugh. So I guess this is fine. I get along with everyone, don’t have any enemies as of now. Stupid teachers are the key to bonding with peers. I’ll carry on. I’ll do good. I’m going to ace college and get to the top.
Song of the day!!
This Is What Depression Feels Like by Marina Lin. I like the soft, cushiony support this song is. The lyrics are so resonating. The vocals must have required a lot of patience while recording.
It is harder to balance than I thought but it’s welcome
18 October 2023 10:24p.m
Life has been quite busy recently. I barely have time. Dance and academics have consumed my waking hours. I have some jobs lined up, I just need to get my shit settled to start working. I have noticed that being productive and busy takes your mind off of useless things. You stop caring about things that aren’t necessary and you start getting clearer in your day to day priorities. Wandering thoughts on whom to give more attention or what to do when some xyz situation happens disappear. It is all about what happens in the now, and how to get better in the now. And not gonna lie I am liking this change of pace. I have never been cold to changes or challenges, I love them. I am learning something new everyday and that is what I want from life. I never want to stop chasing knowledge. I have lived through a period when my passions died and that was my first death. That was rock bottom because whatever the fuck life has put through me, nothing compares to the terror I got when I couldn’t learn and couldn’t do what I wanted, simply because my mind wouldn’t let me. Prioritising stuff for long term goals is comparatively easier than prioritising everyday chores. At least for me. As of now, I am sort of struggling in balancing my shit but at least I haven’t given up. Everyday I wish to die. Everyday I wish to disappear without any trace. Everyday I hold on for something I can’t see. I sabotage myself a lot. The voices tell me I can’t do it. They tell me I am not enough even if I try my best. And at times I succumb. I believe I can’t do it. Then I wake up and I remind myself I have people I look up to who I want to make proud. For some reason, I want certain people to give a pat on my back and say very good. It’s scary. But it’s nice.
Song of the day!!
Dead Man by David Kushner. It’s meaningful and it’s heavy.
At times I forget that I write without any filter in here and if I share it with people they will get a glimpse of my thoughts. After two years I have finally started sharing that I blog, but then I just regret because I have quite a lot of secrets published up in here. Stuff that I’d rather die than talk about in real life.
I fucked up.
I sent yesterday’s blog to one of the people in the group involved in the blog and forgot I have mentioned my scars in it. Along with my anxiety and all the stuff I noticed being the observing person I am, and I so hope that they don’t find me weird. Naturally I was questioned on my scars. I said pets. Though I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take a genius to figure out the truth. And even more than that I am scared about the observed information I have written and my raw thoughts. So….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
I am squirming and laughing and restless because why do I have to be excited😭😭😭. I’m just gonna go cry because what if they find me weird and creepy AAAAAA!! 😭😭😭Why is it that every time I FUCK UP? Why? Just why? Every time I think i did good, I fuck it up. I need to get a grip man I have relaxed myself in the past week.
Song of the day!!
Blackwhite by Corbyn. The beats are so insanely good they don’t stop making me move! I’m pretty Corbyn stretched his throat while recording this because these notes aren’t easy to sing.
I went out with some online acquaintances today and bought books!
I had a really good day today. I have mentioned in my past blogs that I joined a local book community, and also that I have made some good acquaintances via that community.
Today was the monthly meeting of the club and I finally got the chance to go, because I was occupied every time on the day of the past meetings. And because I had friendly acquaintances, I was not alone.
Some of us met on the way. The way my heart was pounding so hard when meeting people, I was yet again scared someone might hear it. On top of it, someone asked about the scars on my hands, which I deflected with a funny story.
This month, there was no one pre-decided book we were discussing, rather we talked about mythology, the mythological tales we grew up listening to, and what we are reading in the genre. Now, I have absolutely no fucking clue about mythology. My childhood is completely blanked out and I haven’t read any mythological books. But I still went because knowledge is everywhere and new experiences are always welcome!
I listened to the discussions, while playing sudoku and chess in between, and tried taking part but missed my chances while replaying shit in my head.
I met people I have been talking to regularly for the past 2-3 months. We roamed around, shared our shit, explored stuff, and had fun. We talked about our interests and experiences and roasted each other a bit. I caused mischief as always, and they took care of me and it felt good. It was a good day overall and I am looking forward to meeting all these people again. Two members of our little group couldn’t make it today but I hope the next time is as fun, or even more fun than this.
There was a book exchange as part of this session too. I gave a novel by Ruskin Bond- Vagrants in the Valley, and I got Sidney Sheldon’s Chasing Tomorrow. I am so ecstatic!! Sidney Sheldon is my favorite author and I am so glad I got this book. My friends said they noticed how I picked my favorite author. After the event, we went to a very famous bookstore and being me, I was excited to be there. There were shelves and piles of books and albums and comics and did I mention endless books!?! I sifted through so many but could not find any that I would like enough to buy. Then as we were getting out, I spotted How to Kill Your Family by Bella Mackie, and rushed inside, quite literally. One of my friends also rushed back in with me, and helped me out.
Very honestly, I enjoyed a lot today. I also need not be too excited for obvious reasons. But I swear I got to know so many new things while being with these people all day and experienced what I have been desiring for so long…a teenage life with a bit of freedom, although I am now an adult and was continuously reporting to mom, but still. It was a good day I wish would stay in my memory.
Song of the day!!
Troubles by Corbyn. This track is quiet and upbeat at the same time and the vocals are what support this factor.
This blog is just me ranting on overcoming my social anxiety hehe
Okay so I mentioned that I achieved something good a couple days back in this blog. I finally have enough content to spill the tea.
As y’all know I love music and dancing and writing, and I have also just started college…so you can expect me to apply in every society that exists.
Jk I only applied in the music, dance and writing societies, not theatre or designing or fashion or others….hehe. Y’all are also aware of the fact that I have severe social anxiety. I wrote about an anxiety attack caused by my social anxiety a week ago, so considering that, I did good.
Anygaaays, I applied and auditioned. A lot of people, a lot of professional people, and a lot of eyes. Somehow, among hundreds of people, I got selected in my college’s dance crew and today was my first day as an official member. It was an orientation as well as practice. On top of it, I injured my foot yesterday, again! 🙂 It was a bit stressful on my legs therefore, but I had fun. I will get to learn so much in the upcoming years, and honestly, I really really respect my seniors. They are awesome! I am going to have a really hectic schedule now, but I am so ready for it! I am trying my best to leave my social anxiety behind and dance freely with everyone. I like challenges and this is going to push me ahead.
Next, I also got accepted in the content writing society of my department, meaning I will be writing blogs and stuff for them too:)
The music society hasn’t declared their results yet, but I tried my best. I wasn’t up to the best level like others, but eh! Can’t do anything other than wait and train myself now!
Song of the day!!
Satisfya by Imran Khan. An upbeat, well produced track.
mysticalsoulblogs 