Every day is a battle. I thought maybe a new beginning will make it easier. My blood still rushes. My bones still chill. My thoughts are screaming. I can’t find my peace. It hits suddenly. There is no warning. There is no trigger. I stand with my hands crossed, trying to breathe. It’s as if a button is clicked. My body shuts down as tears rush in. Why does it happen? I need to be stronger. I can’t break now. I can’t give up now. I remember the times I went through. Times much worse than today. I feel mesmerised realising how much time has passed. I am where I once dreamt to be. The only difference being reality real, not dreamlike. I need to keep going. I want to look myself in the eyes.
Song of the day!!
Better off by James Berkeley. A track which’s lyrics go with today’s blog coincidentally. I like the low tempo of this song and how it is maintained through the transitioning rhythm.
Life is hard man. No. Life isn’t hard. Coping is hard. Even when I am working to my full potential, and I am doing everything to be better and carry on, the only certain thought in my mind is how badly I want to die. It’s not like I am under extreme situations, life has been a bit stabler than before. I have a routine close to what normal people my age have. but no matter what I am doing, I just want to die. It doesn’t matter if what I am doing is what I love because death means I won’t have to do anything! I could just rest and I wouldn’t have to deal with anything anymore. I’d get peace.
Song of the day!!
Fly by Zatrix. A pleasant track to uplift your mood.
It is harder to balance than I thought but it’s welcome
18 October 2023 10:24p.m
Life has been quite busy recently. I barely have time. Dance and academics have consumed my waking hours. I have some jobs lined up, I just need to get my shit settled to start working. I have noticed that being productive and busy takes your mind off of useless things. You stop caring about things that aren’t necessary and you start getting clearer in your day to day priorities. Wandering thoughts on whom to give more attention or what to do when some xyz situation happens disappear. It is all about what happens in the now, and how to get better in the now. And not gonna lie I am liking this change of pace. I have never been cold to changes or challenges, I love them. I am learning something new everyday and that is what I want from life. I never want to stop chasing knowledge. I have lived through a period when my passions died and that was my first death. That was rock bottom because whatever the fuck life has put through me, nothing compares to the terror I got when I couldn’t learn and couldn’t do what I wanted, simply because my mind wouldn’t let me. Prioritising stuff for long term goals is comparatively easier than prioritising everyday chores. At least for me. As of now, I am sort of struggling in balancing my shit but at least I haven’t given up. Everyday I wish to die. Everyday I wish to disappear without any trace. Everyday I hold on for something I can’t see. I sabotage myself a lot. The voices tell me I can’t do it. They tell me I am not enough even if I try my best. And at times I succumb. I believe I can’t do it. Then I wake up and I remind myself I have people I look up to who I want to make proud. For some reason, I want certain people to give a pat on my back and say very good. It’s scary. But it’s nice.
Song of the day!!
Dead Man by David Kushner. It’s meaningful and it’s heavy.
Why is it that I never get to catch a single break? So many conflicts. With others, and with me. First I gotta fight me, figure out the right and the wrong and all my messed up shit. Then I gotta fight others to let me have my clutter free mess. The world doesn’t understand that what they find a mess is neat for me. My mess has the power to paralyze them in shock. They won’t be able to handle it. And I don’t want any of those indistinguishable looks that confuse the hell out of me. So I’d rather keep to myself than facing them. Because it would be worse if they know.
Song of the day!!
Numb Little Bug by Em Beihold. The song describes the feeling of not feeling anything in a lively manner. I love the drum breaks in the chorus, they give the song dimension. The mv is so cute and I love her look in the blue outfit.
I’ve read so many books. At the end, I don’t give a fuck about the message it’s conveying if the how isn’t written well. I don’t want the what, I want the how. I want to know what to do during that journey. How to cope with it? They just mention that hardwork brought them there. They mention the stress, but no one mentions how they dealt with it. No one mentions the feeling of chaos, confusion, frustration one feels during it. The exhaustion. The invitation of stopping and going back again. The getting hold of oneself again. The moving ahead with no clear goal. The thought of submitting to that cosy darkness again. They all tell what they felt, but they never tell the how…
Song of the day…
Happy Face by Tate McRae. A soft song to make you cry when you feel alone.
We all have thoughts. And we all want to be heard. But we want some particular thoughts to be heard the most. But no one ever talks about it. And we are too big of a coward to introduce the topic ourselves. So we wear a mask, to hide ourselves. We know we can’t bury those feelings so we do something to exert those thoughts, to reduce that pain. We put every ounce of our soul while doing so-every thought, every emotion, every action is directed towards that one thing, with no mask. Just no one is hearing. We do it till we feel satisfied enough to go out and face everyone. We put back our mask again and walk out to talk about things we don’t want to.
Cry by Gryffin & John Martin. The lyrics are directed towards you, telling you that it’s okay to cry. Life is a bitch but it’s ok to cry coz the tears eventually dry. The vocals hold so much emotion I hear it whenever I want to cry. Everyone needs to listen to this song at least once in their life.
You know that feeling when you don’t know what you’re feeling. You don’t know if you are calm or sad or angry or happy or content. You don’t know what your thoughts are saying. Your mind is playing games and you are not able to quit it. It’s just you and a big black junk of tangled strings up in your head. You don’t even know what that pile of strings would lead to if loosened. You sit there rummaging through your memories of the day to find a clue to this mystery. You don’t find anything. So you just set to distracting yourself. But something or the other constantly remind you of that feeling. So you do something else. Sometimes a single try works, sometimes numerous tries fail to distract you. Then you wouldn’t even realise when that feeling is gone. You are suddenly back to all your senses and feel as if a numbing force has just been lifted. Then you think about that experience and could conlude nothing. You didn’t know what you were feeling then at that time, you do not know what what you were feeling then at this moment too. After a point of time, you start familiarising with this feeling. This feeling of feeling and not feeling at the same time. It comes and goes. You just carry on with your tasks. You learn to control it. No, you do not control when it comes and goes. You control your actions when it is there. Then you understand it. You find that it is always there with you, you just don’t notice. You slowly get used to it. Like a Koala, it sticks to you and you feed it occassionaly. The rest of the time, it feeds upon your thoughts. It’s not a Koala-no! It’s a parasite. A parasite you nurture.
Complicated by Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike vs David Guetta ft. Kiiara. The song gives the “take a chill pill” vibes and is actually about that only. The music is so soothing. Good song to train your vocals if you have a relatively deeper voice.
Maybe. This word is so familiar to everyone. But if you think about it, this word alone has quite a deep meaning. It’s neither yes nor no. It raises your hopes but it also crushes you. You can’t even blame anything properly, coz you already knew your hopes will get crushed. It’s a shackle. It’s an addiction. It has tied everyone down. Who invented the word ‘maybe’? That guy was straight up genius. He created the word and put the whole world in a loophole. He knew this word would cause ruckus in every individual’s life. He was a mastermind. He knew humans’ weakness-hope. He knew they would want hope in the situations that clearly say ‘no’. He knew it from the start. He just gave a name to that feeling.
Coco by 24kGoldn ft. DaBaby. The song is a bop with its vocals, music and beats.
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