Long commitments are exhausting, especially for an impulsive and impatient person like me. Committing to a single act requires a constant level of interest and dedication. I suck at that. I am always running to finish my chores. So having an occupying task to accomplish every fucking day soon becomes a burden for me. I stop seeing it as something I like, but as a chore I just have to do for no reason. It’s quite frustrating how I stop enjoying something I otherwise am fond of. I need to change this attitude however, can’t survive in this world this way.
Song of the day!!
East Pray Love by Paul Russell. A calmly progressing upbeat track talking about setting boundaries.
Out of that deep, dark pit that life and pushed you into
I have changed a lot over the past 3-4 years. And I am still working hard to make myself better. I still have a lot of shit to deal with and I still lack in many aspects of a normal human life. But that doesn’t mean I know nothing.
One view that I have always had is that there is always room to be better. No matter how great you are at your job, there will always be something to improve. Maybe new tips you didn’t know about, maybe innovations.
The sooner you learn this fact, the better.
When you are at the bottom, you need to be in a really strong frame of mind to get up. You really have to push all your limits. In my darkest of times, I danced and sang, even when my body refused to cooperate. Every time I wanted to quit I thought how I am still on a novice level and how much work needs to be done to get to the top. That’s how I improved and improved and even though my mental health is the same, I can say I can dance well. I can say I am physically fit. I can say I am more capable than before.
See, shit needs time, patience and persistence to get done the way you want. I had to take a break from dancing once because of my mental health, but when you are really passionate about something, it always comes back.
If you break down anticipating the worst, you ain’t gonna get anywhere. I anticipate the worst and make plans to get control. Crying doesn’t solve anything.
Let me share something about my high school finals, that happen on a national level in my country. My mental health is extremely bad, so studying is a rough and tedious task for me. I have this tradition of getting at least one anxiety attack before exams.
This time however, I got panic attacks. Multiple. With so much shit going on (trust me, there was a lot of stuff). I would get unpredictably intense panic attacks. Every time I cried and let my body do its thing and then slap myself and remind how crying won’t fill my answer sheets. I needed a worthy scoresheet to give a middle finger to some people. I didn’t study much. Just a few hours. But I gave my exams with common sense and improvisation and I sort of topped in school. I have no idea how, but I am among the highest scoring people. Everyone congratulated me for the good score but it was even more special for me because I fought more than others. Maybe now this blog will make more sense.
Moral of the story: Keep pushing yourself, especially when you can’t see anything. Change your mindset to what really matters to you. Ponder what is advantageous to you. Do what brings you forward. Remove the unnecessary and unwanted stuff. And don’t give up. You didn’t come this far for nothing.
Song of the day!!
Dance Through the Party by Zatrix. A lovely, pleasant pop song to vibe to.
Sifting through all my stuff, I found my nursery report cards. I was graded in all the academic subjects and my motor skills. 4 report cards of 2 years, I did not find any remark regarding my physical activities or non-academic skills.
Talking to little children in primary school, I discover that they have too many tests and assignments with barely any non-academic stuff in the regular curriculum, same as when I was in school.
It’s sad. 12 years and no change. We are still manufacturing memory machines instead of teaching. We are still burdening every kid that starts talking with books and books and more books and grades. No one cares about anything else than upgrading these machines so they calculate better with their teeny tiny fingers.
Non-academic stuff shouldn’t be considered as hobbies or side-things. They should be involved in the regular curriculum and given as much importance as languages and maths and science.
The higher ups who plan the system ask “how do we do that?” Well that is your job, for which you are appointed and given money from the taxes given by the public!
Education system is a joke. It’s a big fat lie that we have to go along with because without it you aren’t valid, no matter how capable you are.
Song of the day!!
Scared of the Dark by Lil Wayne, Ty Dolla $ign & XXXTENTACION. Awesome vocal distribution where every artist really nailed their parts, slow beats, empowering music.
Bloganuary day 29: What is something you learned recently?
…
Something I learned recently is that I am allowed to speak the honest truth without worrying about others.
I have always hidden my thoughts and bit my tongue to save the other person from the damage my words would have caused. I realised I don’t need to do that. Because doing this didn’t get me anywhere, rather more fingers were pointed towards me. So now I am working on myself to speak my thoughts openly when it cannot harm me back. Speaking or fighting when I can lose is not advantageous. I realised I don’t need to hold back and can spit on someone’s face if that is what they deserve. I don’t need to take care of others’ feelings all the goddamn time.
And how did I realise this? I observed people forgiving others for saying something extremely horrible. What I am saying is the truth, so either they will be better or I can leave them be. Win win for me. And now that I have started implementing this, it feels lighter and good. I don’t need to be afraid of what people will think of me or if they would hate me. Not like they matter anyway.
Song of the day!!
Die For You by The Weeknd. The slow rythm drops and instruments add at the perfect timings. Precise production.
Okay everybody so remember when I applied for an internship the previous month? I got it. So welcome the new content writer of a nationwide ngo! (Someone please shout SLAYY for once!)
Among so many candidates, only 4 of us were chosen. We had an orientation yesterday and along with all the details, we were also told that a leader will be carefully selected for every team. And gues who is the leader for mine? ME! So welcome the head content writer of a nationwide ngo! I already had this feeling. Maybe it was my intuition or maybe even manifestation.
I worked for this internship wholeheartedly on my own and really wish to complete it on a well note. After such a long time of not knowing anything and seeming to be lost, I want to be the best for once. I was already prepared for my tasks as the team leader in school(didn’t know anything yet) and I come back to switch on my phone and see them listed there under my name. Let me just take a moment of self appreciation and sprinkle some glitter and say “Knew I’m da best!”✨ I also received messages from students of previous batches who claimed that the core team (president and vps) gave them my contact for assistance. I have all the official contacts, team details, etc. and I feel rejuvinated. It may not be as big of a deal but for me it is a step further into a better future. Because it is me. I mean, read my blogs and note how lost I am. So yeah, WHAT THE DAMN HELL!!
There is a major hiccup though. This is a 6 month internship and I have finals in 2 months. The internship, if needed, will be readjusted to complete my work duration so I hope it all goes smoothly. And y’all better be ready for a few more blogs about my boring rants because I definitely am gonna talk about it.
Also, can anyone please tell me if I embarrassed myself when I asked a now-obvious-then-confusing question at the orientation and the core team laughed!?😭😭😭
Now, I am sick, I have to work for the internship, and I have an exam tomorrow. Being sick I can manage. Internship work I am managing well too. What the fuck do I do about my exam!? I can’t understand anything like what do you mean that there is a specific therapy for existential crisis!?😭😭😭
Song of the day!!
Dying on the inside by Nessa Barrett. Such pretty vocals with headbanging drums. Me all the time but especially during exams.
Do you ever have conflicting thoughts about something that doesn’t require much thought? Let’s take a huge party as an example. Everyone says that you shall go. You know you will enjoy it. You wanted to go earlier. But now suddenly you aren’t sure. There is some unknown feeling holding you back. You’re scared you’ll have a good time. You’re scared life will really let you live for once. What if you find it pleasurable and get addicted to loudness and crowd? It’s like some ropes are keeping you hung upon a wall. You don’t know if the wall’s titled comfort zone or safe zone. Pros and cons aren’t working, and neither is your gut. Shall you take the risk when you’ve never lost sight except now?
Song of the day!!
You Don’t Even Know Me by Faouzia. A bold track about individuality. I love the production and mixing, they really emphasise on the instrumentals.
Who said straights can’t support the gays?
No one.
I have observed this a million times and even gone through it, why do people think that anyone supporting the LGBT community is part of it? On seeing any person encouraging the community, people raise questions like- “You aren’t even part of the community, then why are you so supportive and excited about them?” Like what? This doesn’t make any sense. A person doesn’t need to be part of the community to be in favor of them. Who said that?
Think of it like this. You must have encountered men supporting women’s equality, right? They aren’t women though, so why are they concerned? Because of values, ideas, and open-mindedness. Similarly, a straight person can be an ally and not just a closeted member. And so what if that person is closeted? Are they harming you? No. So carry on. It is not strange for any person to be aware of different genders and sexualities. In fact, it is basic knowledge.
Song of the day!!
Unwell by Rosendale. I love the concept. You can really feel the emotions via the music. Heartache expressed with perfection.
Is it weird if you do something scandolous and don’t feel any fear? Everyone around is either angry, or panicking, or stressed; but you aren’t really worrying about the situation. You are probably up against every person close to you but there isn’t even the slightest bit of remorse or intidimation. You carry on with your day like any other and only think how much everyone is overreacting. Is it because you didn’t ever think of an outcome? Or is it because you have become too numb to feel anything? Maybe because you simply aren’t intimidated by the situation because you have experienced way worse? Or maybe you knew what you were doing and were prepared? Or maybe you are always prepared?
Song of the day!!
I think too much by Christian French. Lovely, bright pop song every person with overthinking as a hobby will relate to. Or you can just vibe to its theme.
mysticalsoulblogs 