past – mysticalsoulblogs

Thinking about the future

life events and daily life

Bloganuary day 5: Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

I’d say future.

I spend a lot of time overthinking my past, pondering over the happenings, and what it led me to become. The anxiety I got doesn’t go away. But I also think a fuck lot about my future too. Not only about what I want to do in the future, but also daily life. I think about the assignments I have to submit, the choreographies I have to practice, blogs I have to write. I plan my day ahead when I am busy. This may seem normal to a lot of people, but for a person like me who this is what change is. Daily life changes are hard to deal with when you are trying to lift yourself up. The past haunts you and you have to learn shedding the weight while learning to carry the weight. So there is no option other than onwards and upwards.

I think my overthinking proportion is maybe 48-49% past and 52% future. They are almost the same, future is thought about more though. I think this is a good sign. This is what should be done, right? There is a lot that needs to be done. I’ll do it. I have to.

Song of the day!!

Fuck This Town by Ericdoa & Glaive. An upbeat, party track that gets the vibe.

The frightening flashes

Definitely not talking about lightening and thunder here

I have a busy schedule, one that exhausts me. I finally sit down to rest for my evening tea. And it hits. I remember my past. It comes back. I remember some of what had happened and what was said to me. The relatively calmer events flash in my mind and they are enough to make my mouth quiver. Then I remember how worse it really was. I remember the things that I faced. I remember feeling crippling fear and absolute rage during those times and I remember how I used to choose rage to battle others, then cry during the panic attacks I faced alone. My throat aches as I try to remember myself during the past 2-3 years and I only see glimpses of her. I only remember certain scenes. The suppressed memories rise but my dissociative tendencies work their magic again and suppress them so quick I don’t have time to process what pictures just flicked through my eyes, and all I can think of is how brave she was to fight it all. I never want to go back in the position she was in. Yet I am, for she is me, and I am her.

Song of the day!!

Labyrinth by Miracle Musical, Shane MauX & KAYE. I like the video game vibe outro and the well harmonised vocals.

To live without a past

You know at times the world around will remind you of things from the past. Some songs will remind you of your struggles. Some people will be a reflection of your past self. Some literary piece will make you reminisce a person you left while traveling.

I wish it wasn’t this way. I wish these monsters would leave me. But then I won’t have anything. I wish to die, to have no thoughts, no mind going on overdrive, nothing. Floating in a dark abyss. That’s what it must be to really live.

Oh to live without a past.

Song of the day!!

Living in the City by Aleemark & Umair. Raw, real lyrics, beats with depth, and awesome vocals.

There ain’t no present

Either I revolutionised the whole world or I just need a break

Okay so I have this spiralling thought that every second is the past and every second is the future. Past because we never realize nor feel a passing second. When we think of something that has already happened, it is in the past. Future because we never know what will happen in the next second. In a way, every second is unpredictable. We live on the basis of our experiences of the past. And we always work for the future, not the present. So a present doesn’t really exists. Am I making any sense to anyone?

Song of the day!!

That Bitch by Bea Miller. The ultimate track for women empowerment parades.